Have you ever formed an impression of someone from a distance? Of course you have. We all have. It’s called the Gestalt Effect. Maybe it was someone you saw in a store or parking lot—their appearance gave you a certain feeling about them. Then, you cross paths, maybe overhear them talking or see their interaction with someone, and suddenly, you realize your initial impression was completely wrong. You now see them quite differently
We’ve all been there. One question this phenomenon raises is: what do our assumptions reveal about us?
Gym Jerk
There’s this guy at the gym—nothing about him stands out at first. But if you’ve ever worked out near him, it’s impossible to ignore. What he does isn’t something he could be unaware of; it feels deliberately contemptuous. His behavior seems intentionally disruptive, as if he doesn’t care about annoying others and may even enjoy it.
He clearly doesn’t care if his behavior bothers anyone. He moves from machine to machine, drawing attention with bizarre noises, loud outbursts, and sending weights crashing to the ground after every set.
Now, I wouldn’t fault you for condemning my judgment of this guy, but I’d be less than honest if I didn’t admit that I imagine the term “jerk” was coined to describe people like him. He imposes himself on others with disruptive antics, clearly seeking to provoke criticism from fellow gym-goers. In other words, his behavior is, to put it mildly, unacceptable. No one should impose themselves on others, no matter how sad their backstory. My irritation over his behavior is justifiable.
Noisy Neighbor
My judgment of others is not always so easily defensible. I had a neighbor who lived in the apartment above mine. With all my neighbors, I was friendly as we would cross paths in the lobby. He, however, always seemed defensive, standoffish, as if resented my effort to be friendly. One night, he saw me approaching the entrance of the building. I was just a few yards behind him. He quickened his pace to increase distance between us, maybe to avoid the simple courtesy of holding the door for me. Am I cynical? There’s more to consider.
The previous tenants of his apartment were so quiet you’d think the place was vacant. But this guy seems intent on making sure everyone knows he’s there! No matter where I am in my apartment, I knew when he entered or left his place from the slamming of his front door. He’s home during the weekday. I work from home. So I’m subjected to the constant sound of him stomping around. It leaves me wondering, “What the hell does he do up there?” He has seen me during the day, so he knows I work from home. Yet he seems to have zero consideration.
Spiraling Downward
I started to wonder why he was so standoffish. Could it be that he’s deliberately avoiding any semblance of neighborliness? Maybe he believes that by being cordial and friendly, he’d feel obligated to keep the noise down. By avoiding such interactions, he sidesteps this expectation and remains free from the responsibility of courtesy. Ah, that makes sense! He’s just dodging the inconvenience of being respectful to others! The more I considered it, the more his blatant selfishness grated on me.
Once, I approached him about the noise. I was polite and reasonable, but he responded with a dismissive shrug and an air of indifference. That was the end of it—no change followed. As weeks passed, his relentless stomping and blatant disregard began to wear on my nerves. With no satisfactory explanation for his behavior, I started to suspect that his disruptions were deliberate!
My imagination turned him into a cantankerous troll, reveling in the chaos he created. Yes, I saw him as responsible for my growing anger. I pictured him grinning wickedly and thinking, “Another day to make my neighbors' lives a little more miserable!” My thoughts darkened, and I was on a bad path. Then, one day, I realized that the intensity of my feelings was quite disproportionate to his actual behavior. I had inflated his role into something he might not have deserved.
Crossroads
This realization led me to reflect on what my thoughts, despite him, revealed about myself and what I had allowed myself to become. I wasn’t proud of what I discovered. As I returned to sanity, I reevaluated the situation and tried to see it from a different, more constructive perspective.
While it’s understandable that I was irritated by his noise, indifference, and unfriendliness, the reality is I don’t know why he behaves the way he does. He may lack self-awareness and not intend to be bothersome to anyone.
The takeaway for me is clear: while my neighbor might have his own issues, I have my own. My task is to be mindful of my feelings in all situations, reflect on them, and choose how to respond. I want to ensure that my behavior reflects who I am, rather than being shaped by others’ actions. By staying mindful, I can prevent my ego from leading me down a path I truly don’t want to follow.
© copyright 2024 Steven Robert Young. All rights reserved.
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